


joyful thought

by Aquariusgarbag



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Depressed!Sam, Friends to Lovers, Implied Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers - Freeform, M/M, Past Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, Past Sam Wilson/Steve Rogers - Freeform, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Therapy, Trauma Recovery, healthy coping methods, mental health, oh my god they were roommates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2019-06-10
Packaged: 2020-03-18 01:42:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18976159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aquariusgarbag/pseuds/Aquariusgarbag
Summary: Sam was trying to do good and take care of himself. One of those things was harder than the other.





	1. One

i know its weird  
to say you changed me  
but things have been really hard for me lately  
i don’t need anything  
just when you talk to me  
i can’t believe anyone would ever be that nice to me 

Joyfulthought, mom

Bucky liked his therapist as a person, it was therapy he didn’t like. Shuri had successfully removed all his triggers, but still insisted he needed therapy. She may be a super genius, but Bucky thought she was wrong about this one. He had just come back from the dead (again) he had things to do. 

“Man, shut up. Jesus you and Steve both have some fucked up views on therapy. Can I blame Freud? I mean for this specifically, obviously I blame him for a lot.” Sam said. They were getting drunk after Starks funeral.

“All I’m sayin’ is if I don’t have the triggers I don’t think it’s necessary.”

“You are talking to a professional counselor who has personally been in therapy for 16 years, why the hell did you think I would agree with you on this.”

“Oh hmmm I didn’t know that.”

“I’ve known you for a decade how do you not know my profession by now?”

“I have memory problems. Anyway five of those don’t count.”

“They count.”

“I meant I didn’t know about you being in therapy, you seem...you’re such a good—I just wouldn’t expect that. I don’t know.”

“Buck, good people go to therapy, it’s not all for the criminally insane anymore.”

“I know! I didn’t mean anything by it Jesus—”

“Well adjusted people go to therapy, it’s how they get well adjusted. Nobody thinks you’re a bad person, you know that right? I mean Shuri didn’t suggest it because she thinks you’re fucked up or anything. I’m telling you you’re fucked up, though.”

“Thanks, yeah, I know.”

“Which part?”

“I just can’t—I how am I supposed to talk about it? Who has training on dealing with 70 years of brainwashing, and murdering people and—I just, I don’t know.”

“Yeah, I know, but look this woman has spent the last five years dealing with the disappearance of half the population, she didn’t go to school for that, she wasn’t prepared for that level of trauma but she did it, she dealt with it. Okoye says she dealt with it really well.”

“I’m sure she’s good or whatever, I just got back though, I—“

“That’s not an excuse, come on you were in Wakanda for how long with nothing better to do than herding goats—“

“Herdin’ goats is real respectable work!”

“Just don’t use the snap as an excuse, if anything that’s more reason for you to go. You died for like the second time, your best friend abandons you—“

“That’s what you’d call projection, pal.”

“He left, that’s not me projecting, that’s what happened.”

Bucky gave Sam a sympathetic look, the bastard. “Yeah, he left. I’m not exactly happy about it, but I hadn’t been on the run with him for years, I didn’t quit my job to chase some psycho with him. Me and him—I— well, I could of stayed with him by the river and I chose not to. If I’d chosen differently, I don’t think he would have left, let’s just say that.”

“That’s not fair, you didn’t have your memories,”

“I remembered enough.”

“Then why didn’t you?”

“The same reason Steve didn’t, I guess.”

“Yeah, then you definitely need therapy.”

“Alright, Sam, for you.”

“That’s not what I’m trying to say, you should do it for yourself—“

“Don’t push it, honey.”

‘Honey’ shut Sam up. For now.


	2. Two

Sam hadn’t thought he would like the west coast, but he did. Maybe it was just after years on the run anything permanent was nice, but Sam thought it was something else. Something special about here. The weather or the people, maybe. Definitely not his roommate.

Sam hadn’t expected Bucky to follow him, but maybe he should have. Bucky seemed to think it was obvious. 

He’d thought Bucky would have gone back to herding goats or whatever. Instead he and Shuri had picked out the little apartment in Oakland (two bedroom, one bath, a cute kitchen-nook, small but comfortable living room). 

Shuri thought there were too many NYC based superheroes, and Sam couldn’t exactly argue that. He was Captain America now which meant he had to protect the whole country, even California. 

So far he hadn’t done much Captain America-ing. Part of it was that he was still technically a wanted fugitive, at least on paper. Shuri and King T’challa had gotten them into America, and the current administration wasn’t keen on prosecuting him. Still it put a damper on things.

The other reason was his therapist, who thought taking on the responsibility of being Captain America immediately after coming back from the dead and being left by his kinda-boyfriend was a bad idea. Go figure. 

However, one of the reasons she was Sam’s therapist was because she understood his need to do good. She hadn’t exactly approved of him going to superhero jail because of his principles but she had understood it. Stood by him, even when the government came knocking at her door, Skyped with him after, when he was on the run.

He (unlike some people) could see the value in getting some of his emotional issues sorted before fighting aliens or whatever, so he and Bucky had been keeping it pretty low key. They’d taken out one Hydra offshoot in Oregon that had still been functioning, stopped an evil robot building wacko, gave a speech against gentrification. General do goodery. 

He was trying to do good and take care of himself. One of those things was harder than the other.

He was just so tired all the time, like the years of not existing were catching up to him all at once. More likely he guessed it was the years of looking for Bucky, fighting the government, being tortured by the government, running from the government, fighting aliens. Years of grieving for Riley and now three months of grieving for Steve.

He knew Steve wasn’t dead, was grateful for it, but a small, spiteful part of him thought it might be easier if he had died. Simpler anyway. As it was he felt confused and used and worthless and—

“Hey Sam, Breaths, darling, square breathing right”

Bucky was rubbing his back and counting for him. He was having another mid-breakfast panic attack. All in a days work for Captain America! 

“Hey shh it’s okay, honey. You’re doing fine, you’re okay.”

“Ugh, God sorry!”

“Don’t worry about it, you didn’t do nothin’ I haven’t done.”

Sam gave a strained smile. Bucky has had his share of panic attacks and nightmares but he usually waited until at least lunch. Besides none of them had been caused by breakups.

Sam knew not to compare trauma. Knew he wasn’t supposed to anyway, but sometimes he couldn’t help it. His months in captivity had been near unbearable and they had almost complied to the Geneva conventions.

It was just that Sam knew that Steve and Bucky had been together, before the war. Steve has told him as much. He also knew that they hadn’t exactly had a conventional relationship, hadn’t expected to be exclusive, had expected to never marry, but still! Jesus Christ he’d just left him, left him for a dead woman and Bucky wasn’t as messed up about it as Sam was. That made Sam feel almost as awful as Steve leaving in the first place. 

Even worse was how understanding Bucky was about the whole thing. How he knew how upset Sam was. How he was always doing dumbass things to cheer him up. Watching RHONY with him, buying him bagels from the one good bakery, he’d even offered to come running with him even though he knew Bucky was against getting up before 9 am on moral principle.

When Sam has really pressed him about it he’d said that he loved Steve, but understood loving someone else to. Then he’d given Sam a real meaningful look which he couldn’t interpret. Sam hopes Bucky’s therapist was having more luck getting through to him.

Sam had calmEd down at this point but Bucky stayed next to him, rubbing his back. 

“Thanks, Buck.”

“Don’t worry about it, sweetheart. Coffee?”

“Yeah, thanks”

Sam didn’t know why Bucky had started with the pet names, but he wasn’t complaining. He knew it was probably just a ‘40s thing (or maybe a ‘40s Bucky thing, he had heard about his reputation in school, a fact Buck found hilarious) but he liked it anyway. It made him feel warm and cared for, even if it was just how Barnes talked.

After breakfast Bucky had a Skype appointment with his therapist. Sam might not have super soldier hearing, but the apartment was pretty small so he cleared out.


	3. Three

Sam goes for a walk. He passes weed dispensaries in neighbors disproportionately affected by the war on drugs, he sees millionaire business men walk by homeless people without stopping.

He thinks ‘God this country is fucked up.’ 

He thinks ‘God I can’t do a thing about it.’

He thinks ‘What’s the goddamn point of being Captain America if I can’t stop this, if all I do is fight fucking aliens?’

He thinks ‘Is this how Steve felt.’

He’s always thought about this shit, but since becoming Captain America it was amplified to the point of being deafening.

He goes to the gym so he can stop thinking.

He works out until his head has quieted, until all he feels is tired and sweaty. He doesn’t feel good, exactly, but it’s better than wondering around feeling powerless and overwhelmed. Plus he needs to do it if he’s going to keep kicking ass with a good looking ass.

He gets home two hours later and finds Bucky sitting on the couch watching ‘Adventure Time’.

“Watch tv with me.” He says.

“I stink.” Sam says.

“You always stink. One episode.”

Sam sits down reluctantly. They watch four episodes.

Sam feels good. He feels like he can be Captain America, even if the only thing he can do as Captain America is stop aliens and robots and whatever else, it’s better than not doing anything, right?

Sam gets up to take a shower.

The thing is, Sam has always been like this. Always felt responsible for the world. Always wanted to take care of everyone— it’s why he became a medic, why he came when Steve called, why he went to bat for Bucky. He doesn’t think he can stop being like that. But he knows he needs to do something about himself too. 

He won’t admit it but that’s why it’s nice to have Bucky around. He never would have stopped to watch cartoons on his own. Never would make himself pancakes in the morning. He didn’t back in D.C. He hasn’t done it since he was a lkid. But Bucky makes it seem easy, natural. Like, of course, Sam deserves pancakes. Of course he deserves to watch cartoons. Of course he deserves to not think about the worlds problems for an hour. It’s nice. He’d never admit it to Bucky though. 

He gets out of the shower, wraps a towel around his waist. He walks out of the bathroom and straight into Bucky.

“Oh gah!” Bucky says. His eyes have gone comically huge, he’s looking at Sam’s damp chest.  
“Oh my God.” He says. Sam thinks that’s an overreaction.

“Excuse me.” Sam says. He’s very polite, even when his roommate’s being a weirdo. 

Bucky looks into Sam’s face, looks as if he’s about to say something and—he shakes his head says “You better have not used all the hot water.” Sam definitely did use all the hot water, he smiles at Bucky serenely.

“You’re the worst, sweetheart.” Bucky says. Sam keeps smiling.


End file.
